• If you were informed of your inappropriate behavior by a third party, you could be asking why the person couldn’t just come and talk to you directly.
• The reason is you. Consider for a moment, the person you harmed does not feel safe or comfortable interacting with you.
• The one person that can fix this problem is the one person they don’t feel safe speaking with.
• They want to resolve this issue, so they found another communication option that doesn’t require direct contact.

• Your job description does not include enduring harassment, abuse, or discrimination.
• For your colleague, you have made it a condition of working with you.
• Harassment and discrimination are costly, and can negatively impact a person’s mental, physical, and financial health.
• Individuals aren’t the only ones that bear the costs of harassment and discrimination:
  • “…worker misconduct, including harassment and bullying, cost U.S. businesses $20 billion last year alone—a combination of lawsuits, lost productivity, brand damage and employee turnover.” 

In your notebook or worksheet:

• Write down how you felt when you were informed of your behavior.
• Circle any feelings your colleague could also be experiencing.
• Write down five ways your behavior has impacted your colleague.
• Write down five ways your behavior has impacted people on your team or in your department.
• Write down five ways your behavior, if it continues, can impact your company.

Write down the answers to the following questions:

• What incident/s did you recall when you recieved notice of your behavior? Do any additional situations come to mind?
• Write down the specifics you remember about these interactions. Who? What? When? Where?
• What were the circumstances surrounding those interactions (timing, witnesses, etc.)?
• Did your colleague let you know you crossed a boundary? If so, what did they say or do? What was your response?
• Looking back now, what other non-verbal communication did you miss (facial expressions, moves to distance themselves, posture, gestures, eye contact, tone of voice, shutting down)?

To determine who holds greater power, give yourself a point for each item in the following categories that provides you with greater benefit or job security. Give your colleague a point for each item that provides them with greater benefit or job security. Whoever has the most points at the end will most likely benefit from a power advantage.

• Titles/roles – What is your title? What is your colleague’s title?
• Departments – What department do you each work for (some departments may be valued higher than other departments)?
• Company seniority – How many years have you each worked with the company?
• Company access/network – Who do you know in the company with power or status? What company connections do you each have? 
• Career seniority – How many years do you each have in your career field?
• Social power dynamics –
  • highest level of education
  • gender, race, age, LGBTQ+, disabilities, etc.

A power imbalance can affect workplace culture and behavior.

• People with greater power have a built-in safety net that can protect them, and give them a wider range of behavior that won’t be challenged. 
• Meanwhile, people with less power have less protection and a smaller range of behavior and options. They also take on a greater risk if they challenge, call out, or set boundaries with someone with more power than they have. 
• This may result in using subtle, indirect language, avoidance, or body language to communicate their discomfort.

Identify how you were feeling before, during and after the interaction with your colleague. The chart below can help you identify possible motives. Write down all that apply.

Motive plus examples:

Ask yourself “WHY” five times to get to the root of your motives

Check the above Motives Chart to see how many of your “Why” answers match a motive. This will give you an idea of what motivated your behavior.

• In the case of the example used above, insecure (I’m being ignored), fearful (I could lose a promotion), entitled (I deserve a promotion), stressed (I do everthing), discriminating (I don’t like people who…) are all possible motives for the conduct.

• Document your behavior, your impact, your accountability plan, and any work you have done or will do to make sure this doesn’t happen again. If someone comes to speak with you directly about this issue, you will have a thoughtful, proactive course of action you have already started. 
• Document apologies and feedback.
• Document interactions moving forward, especially interactions that can show your progress and your commitment to changing your behavior.

Ask yourself: What do I need to do to ensure I can work together with my colleague/s moving forward.

• Write down the behavior and actions you are taking responsibility for – refer to the behavior evaluation exercise above
  • I behaved inappropriately when I did [BEHAVIOR/S] while [CIRCUMSTANCES]. I know my behavior was [LABEL BEHAVIOR (inappropriate, unwarranted, wrong)].
• Write down how your behavior impacted you, your colleague, your team etc. – refer to the impact exercise above
  • I know my behavior [IMPACT OF BEHAVIOR (hurt)] [PERSON/S HARMED] by [RESULT OF BEHAVIOR (creating a toxic work environment)].
• Write down your reasons/explanations – refer to the motives exercise above
  • I behaved [LABEL BEHAVIOR] way because [MOTIVE/S].
• Write down specific ways you will take accountability for your behavior. Include the steps you will take to change your behavior moving forward. In order to rebuild trust these should be clearly defined, actionable and visible for you and others
  • So this won’t happen again, I plan to address this problem by [ACTIONABLE PLAN].
• Write down ways you can make working together easier for all parties involved
  • I plan to improve my working relationship with [COLLEAGUE’S NAME] by [ACTIONABLE PLAN]

1. An apology: Be specific about the behavior you are apologizing for. 
2. Take responsibility for impact: Make the apology about them. The goal is to acknowledge and take responsibility for the impact of your behavior.
3. Explain: Offer an explanation (not an excuse) as this will shape your plan of action moving forward. Be introspective in your explanation. Use “I” statements. Do not blame the other person for your behavior.
4. Plan of action: Share the steps you have taken and are working on to ensure this won’t be a problem in the future. Ask an open-ended question on what they want to see from you.
5. Request consent to contact, if possible or appropriate: Offer a time to have a deeper discussion if and when they are ready.
6. Invite feedback: Create space for your colleague to comment on your apology and contribute to the plan.

Example:

Dear Taylor, 

I am sorry (apology) I made a joke at your expense in front of the entire team (responsibility for specific behavior). I took the joke too far, and I know I hurt your feelings and made you look bad in front of everyone (your impact on them). I like to make people laugh but it wasn’t fair to make you the punchline of those jokes. Looking back I see how I sometimes make jokes at other people’s expense. I can do better (explanation, introspection). 

I am working on thinking before I speak, especially when I get carried away, joking around. (Plan of action based on explanation). I have completed all the exercises in the workbook provided by The Wolf and The Bee (action already taken). I have also engaged a mentor so I can improve my communication skills (continuing action).  

When you are ready I’d like to meet with you to apologize in person and find a way to work better together (request for contact/action and goal of contact). In the meantime, if there is anything else I can do, I would appreciate your feedback (invite feedback).

If you don’t know who made the complaint, or you have been told not to reach out to the other person:

• Write down an apology as if you were going to send it, using the format above.

• Review your employee handbook: What is your company’s reporting and resolution process? Many company handbooks do not have information to coach their employees on how to manage a conflict, after a complaint has been received. This only means the process is not defined or is subjective, and can work in your favor if you are proactive.
• Document your plan and progress: If the problem escalates you will want to be able to show your plan, and any of the actions you took to correct your behavior.
• Be proactive: don’t ignore the problem or the problem could grow beyond your control.
• Be compassionate with the other person and yourself. It’s OK to be awkward in the beginning.

Here are some articles you can reference to research and develop new skills:

• Be present and be mindful of your behavior.
  • [Mindfulness STOP Skills]
• Think before you speak – is this appropriate for work?
  • [The Importance of Thinking Before You Speak]
• Be aware of when and how you touch someone and their personal space. Control of one’s body autonomy and control of their space is important for people to feel safe at work. Ask yourself if this is appropriate for work.
  • [Respecting a Co-Worker’s Personal Space]
• Check in with people to make sure they are comfortable. Ask open-ended questions and listen
  • [Active Listening: A Simple tool to build an Inclusive Work Culture]
• Develop your non-verbal communication skills.
  • [Nonverbal Communication and Body Language]

• Do not confront the other person 
• Do not retaliate against anyone
  • Don’t campaign against that person with other co-workers, colleagues, managers, etc.
  • Don’t vilify or bad mouth the other person
  • Don’t ice the other person out of work projects
  • Don’t test boundaries
  • Don’t make any threats
  • Don’t make the other person’s job more difficult
• Do not minimize or dismiss the complaint
  • Even if you don’t understand it or agree with it, take the time to examine the complaint so you are clear where your responsibility starts and ends
• Do not make excuses or blame others. If there is a bigger problem at hand, identify those factors so you can be aware of them and include them in your resolution plan